I've just realized that there's this huge part of my pregnancy that I've completely ignored-- probably both consciously and sub-consciously. On the conscious level, I try to avoid delving into things that are negative, that may cry out to my own "pity party", or that cause me to face issues that I almost forget are plaguing me. Sub-consciously, this process has become automatic, out of years of practice. I almost avoid the negative aspects to a fault. I mean this is mostly a good thing, since I really feel like I spend more time enjoying more of this process. However, I'm blocking out certain things at the same time that are really important.
The point that I am prolonging is the fact that I cannot share this experience with my mom. I am deeply disappointed that she is not here to experience this with me. I have so many unanswered questions about my own birth and childhood that I will never learn about. At times, I am overpowered with jealousy for those going through this that have their mothers around to consult. Those mothers for shopping trips, movies, goofy late-night phone calls, and even tear-stained conversations about love and loss and all of the in-between. She passed away just as I was leaving those self-involved teen years and I never got the chance to really form my adult relationship with her-- that to this day I sincerely crave. Perhaps I'm romanticizing it a bit but I can't help but wonder how things would be if she were still around today.
Of course, I am lucky to have a fantastic relationship with my Dad. We talk nearly every day, and more often now that he's retired. However, when it comes to my pregnancy, he's frankly "a guy". He doesn't express himself the way that my mother would.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I need to let some of these thoughts loose once in a while. My life is not all butterflies and gumdrops like I'd like to pretend it to be--- although it is pretty darn good most of the time. Perhaps writing it down will help these emotions feel a little less convoluted. Sometimes it is just so hard to think about the fact that I will never be able to talk to her or consult her that I try to force it out of my mind as soon as I can. You know, pretend like there isn't anything missing. So here I am-- accepting this void. It's a part of who I am and of the mother I am going to become.